Wait… please wait.
Please wait until I finish all of the cleaning that I have to get done today. The dust always seems to come to stay. There are always more clothes and dishes to be put away.
You will wait right?
Please wait… please wait until I have all of the piano pieces memorized. Until the guitar gets mastered, and when that old harmonica is on its last reed. There are so many notes to play and melodies to sing.
You can wait for that right?
Please wait… please wait. Until all all that needs to be toned gets toned. When I can look in the mirror and I smile at the way my body sits. The muffins I bake seem to be becoming muffin tops on my hips.
Until it all gets done, please hold on.
Please wait… Please wait. I still have letters to send, Thank You cards to write, birthday presents to wrap, and smiles to give out. There is a lot of love that people don’t know about.
You will wait for that won’t you?
Please wait.. Please wait. I still am confused about everything. I want to do this and want to do that the next and nothing seems to make sense. He says one thing and then she says another. The romances in the moving pictures told me that it would get better.
Please be patient until I figure everything out.
Please…. please… Say that you will wait. Please say something, anything.
Time? Time…Are you listening?
I have not been able to post a lot recently, but I thought I would share a laugh the other day. Japan never ceases to surprise me with their interesting English.
There is a cafe’ in Kyoto where they sell delicious cheesecakes and have great people buying them. Once a month at this cafe’, all get together for an event called The Flame. If you have heard of The Moth from New York, it is a smaller version of that. I was asked to tell a story with the theme of the month being, “Kindness, Wisdom, and Food for Thought”. I told a recent anecdote from New Years 2014 about my little adventure in Bali.
Have a read:
Hi everybody. How are you all tonight? For those who don’t know me, my name is Johnna. I told a story a couple of months back and ever since then I have been wanting to tell another. The Flame had themes like Horror Month, and I could not think of a story. We had the Boss Month, and again there was nothing really there. We had the love theme… And I thought of a few short stories *sarcastic hair flip*.
This time when I got the email, I thought that I must have a story related to this theme. Kindness, wisdom, and food for thought. When I emailed Charles and asked if I could tell a story, I actually didnt have a story in mind yet at that time. I figured that I would think of one later because there were too many times people have shown me kindness. There was so much beautiful wisdom that I have received from people over 22 years. And there has been a lot of food and a lot of thought. So I looked for a way I could combine all three. I believe I found one:
This is a fairly recent story from New Years 2014. I decided to make a trip to Singapore and visit a friend for one week and be by myself the second and travel solo. Things were going as I had imagined it would until I made a friend from Pakistan at the hostel and we became good friends. On the third day I knew him, he invited me to go to with him and his friends on a trip to Bali. It sounded like fun so I said Okay! But my father was not to happy when I told him about my new course. “You have no money.. You don’t know who these people are. Common, we just want you back home.” I explained to him the situation behind it, as I will to those later tonight who are currently questioning my sense of judgment. My father saw my side and I was on my way to Bali.
Now, what I didn’t know was that the group consisted of not one, not two, not three, but FIVE dudes, with myself being the only girl. I spent a week or so in paradise, and it was great! Villa hopping, trying new foods, scuba diving – I had the best week of my life —— until my new friends left to go back home. I was to be on my own for three days because my flight had been scheduled later. Sure enough, my dad’s prophesy of my money running out came to pass and I was in trouble. On top of that, I didn’t eat much during the time I was there because I couldn’t stomach the food. I was eating next to nothing up to that point and I was really eating nothing after they left.
After a couple of days of rotting in my hotel room, I emerged and walked out into the sun. I took five steps and my delirious self decided to sit down….. in an alleyway ……with five Balinese men. They were locals sitting there and were selling things and asking tourists and Australians if they want a taxi ride. I seemed like the easiest target in the world, and when they came to me I just apologized and said that I had no money. Which is what everyone says so they are used to it. No, no. You white girl you rich. Out of that whole group there was one who could speak English and make conversation, but he too was skeptical about my financial state and chimed in with his friends. Oh, they tourists all have money. We don’t believe you. I kept saying that I didn’t.
I have no money! I haven’t eaten in three days.
After a while I see the expression in his face change, and he tells his buddies Guys I think she’s actually telling the truth.
This Balinese man who has next to nothing asked if he could buy me food. Without thinking I say yes and find myself on the back if his motorcycle, going somewhere. He took me to a local restaurant and I ate and ate.
That was the kindness part of my story.
He became my tour guide for the day and showed me some beautiful places. I went on the motorcycle highway and to Nusa Dua and saw the skyscraper high waves, but the greatest part was the conversation we were having. He shared about his life and how it was his dream to have his own garden and live by this mountain in Bali. I shared about mine, and I asked him his advice on many topics. Even though we had completely different backgrounds, he gave me very good insight. He told me things that a rich tourist from Japan wouldn’t think about.
That’s the wisdom part.
I got back to the hotel alright, and I got back to Japan alive *happy dance*. Coming back home, I got bombarded with things like Johnna don’t ever do that again…You reallllly should get a credit card… How could you just trust everybody so easily? Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the answer to that one because I don’t know why myself. But what I do know is that when I was in line for luggage check to Singapore in the beginning of my trip, I was scared and nervous about the whole thing, but mostly scared. That was when a thought came to me and I told myself that I would let whatever experiences come and not be afraid of it. Good things seemed to happen naturally after that. After coming back to Japan I got to wondering, What experiences have I given up because I was too afraid? What have I said no to because I was too scared to trust others or myself?
That’s the food for thought bit.
I hope to be as brave and as lucky as I was in Bali for the rest of my life. It has been working out so far.
Today nothing happened. I went to work and I came back home. There is nothing much to say about today.
I woke up, dug in the garden, and went to work. I have an easy job, so I can not complain— except that I am slightly embarrassed about boss scolding me this afternoon. I ate my lunch around 4 PM and clocked out on the dot. Nothing special happened. I don’t think I changed anyones lives, and I will probably not remember this day to tell my grandchildren (Not that they would be particularly excited about the details of a sandwich I ate). But when I came back home, I was happy.
Not because I accomplished anything spectacular. Not because I finished work. Not because the sandwich I had at lunch was pretty darn good — But because I was so happy that I was alive.
It is a simple appreciation, but it is the most important one.
When I was waiting for the train, I noticed a man from my neighborhood also on the platform. We made small talk and he offered to buy me a drink from the vending machine. It was such a kind gesture for the hot day. As I said “Thank You” and got on my train, I told myself that that is the kind of older person that I would like to be. Sharing what you have, and buying food and drinks just to make the other person’s day.
I sit down and he waved to me from the platform. As the train pulled out of the station, a man that I didn’t know handed me a little teddy bear and got off at the next stop. I don’t know if generosity is actually contagious, but it defiantly made me a little more giving.
I hear him whispering sweet things in my ear. He tells me that he loves me. On my face, I force a sad, sweet smile and make a tear fall from my right eye.
I told him that I wish I could love him. I told him that now was not the right time. I told him we would never complete each other — that he would be unhappy.
I will never forget the melancholy expression on his face, on his whole that broke my heart. I tried to spare his feelings the best I could, but I realized then that nothing would work. I understood in that moment that heartbreak is quite inevitable when passions are not requited. When two hearts do not meet, it is the most unfortunate thing indeed.
This is what the woman in the painting told me.
Do not read beyond this line
Why can’t you be good at everything now? If you don’t pick up piano again, you will regret it in the future. You have to find a balance. If you don’t take your time, it will turn out crap. Why do I see so many couples? Be patient with yourself. You have to build good habits. It has to seem natural. You have to think about others. How come the machine wouldn’t accept my number? Would life be easier if I could do everything already? I need more time. Time passes so quickly. Would I feel more motivated if I had a significant other? I need to get my car license too. Why are there so many couples? I’m just tired. They said that if I put ten thousand hours into something I would see a difference. I would feel better. Is it just my mood? Why did my days get cut at work? What do people think of me? I need to stretch more. I red to pick up my diary again. Gardening would make me feel better. I’m just not getting enough exercise. I need to contact my friend. Dishes in the sink aren’t done. What time is it? Great, I forgot to floss. Why can’t I control my curiosity?
While taking a very late walk, the angel and devil on my shoulders were hard at work. I had so many conflicting thoughts. My mind was very tired. However, waking up this morning I find myself in a more positive state of mind, but the devil on my shoulder always seems to return. It is hardest when the one that puts you down the most is yourself. You fight back and say I can do it - when something whispers Can you really?
What brings me back down to earth is remembering that I am not the only one with these conflicting thoughts. I am sure many can relate to the feeling of your emotions swinging like a pendulum.You tell yourself that you need balance, yet you should enjoy the ride. I want to hear about what happened to so-and-so at work, but I have to control my curiosity for good karma and remember that it is none of my business.
Though my suffering is incomparable to those who have experienced so much pain and gave up tremendous things for the good of others, it is difficult to see past my own pettiness and live to benefit those around me.
The reason to why I put Do not read in the beginning of this post is simply that: I do not want people to know what I am thinking. It is easier for people to interact with the bubbly girl who agrees with everyone. I myself am not happy to admit to how I am truly feeling, but a weight gets lifted of of me when honesty becomes the best policy. I feel more like myself when I turn my ear away from the whispers coming from devil on my shoulder.