I hear him whispering sweet things in my ear. He tells me that he loves me. On my face, I force a sad, sweet smile and make a tear fall from my right eye.
I told him that I wish I could love him. I told him that now was not the right time. I told him we would never complete each other — that he would be unhappy.
I will never forget the melancholy expression on his face, on his whole that broke my heart. I tried to spare his feelings the best I could, but I realized then that nothing would work. I understood in that moment that heartbreak is quite inevitable when passions are not requited. When two hearts do not meet, it is the most unfortunate thing indeed.
This is what the woman in the painting told me.
Do not read beyond this line
Why can’t you be good at everything now? If you don’t pick up piano again, you will regret it in the future. You have to find a balance. If you don’t take your time, it will turn out crap. Why do I see so many couples? Be patient with yourself. You have to build good habits. It has to seem natural. You have to think about others. How come the machine wouldn’t accept my number? Would life be easier if I could do everything already? I need more time. Time passes so quickly. Would I feel more motivated if I had a significant other? I need to get my car license too. Why are there so many couples? I’m just tired. They said that if I put ten thousand hours into something I would see a difference. I would feel better. Is it just my mood? Why did my days get cut at work? What do people think of me? I need to stretch more. I red to pick up my diary again. Gardening would make me feel better. I’m just not getting enough exercise. I need to contact my friend. Dishes in the sink aren’t done. What time is it? Great, I forgot to floss. Why can’t I control my curiosity?
While taking a very late walk, the angel and devil on my shoulders were hard at work. I had so many conflicting thoughts. My mind was very tired. However, waking up this morning I find myself in a more positive state of mind, but the devil on my shoulder always seems to return. It is hardest when the one that puts you down the most is yourself. You fight back and say I can do it - when something whispers Can you really?
What brings me back down to earth is remembering that I am not the only one with these conflicting thoughts. I am sure many can relate to the feeling of your emotions swinging like a pendulum.You tell yourself that you need balance, yet you should enjoy the ride. I want to hear about what happened to so-and-so at work, but I have to control my curiosity for good karma and remember that it is none of my business.
Though my suffering is incomparable to those who have experienced so much pain and gave up tremendous things for the good of others, it is difficult to see past my own pettiness and live to benefit those around me.
The reason to why I put Do not read in the beginning of this post is simply that: I do not want people to know what I am thinking. It is easier for people to interact with the bubbly girl who agrees with everyone. I myself am not happy to admit to how I am truly feeling, but a weight gets lifted of of me when honesty becomes the best policy. I feel more like myself when I turn my ear away from the whispers coming from devil on my shoulder.
I was on the train going to Kyoto this afternoon while thinking about my random businesses and jobs. My head was going on a long brain rant about money- thinking about how I could get more people interested and how we can pay our bills. I don’t enjoy thinking about it, but it always seeps into my thoughts.
With thinking about money, worry always seems to follow. I worried and wondered how I could make money or at least sustain myself while doing the things that I love. It is not an easy thing.
I came out of my trance and took my iPod out of my pocket and opened my notes. I am the only one who uses it, but the first thing that opened up was an entry that I had not written:
Always focus not on if it can bring money, but if it brings happiness.
I still don’t know who used my iTouch, but that was what I needed to read there on the train.
I don’t write poetry these days, but recently I dug through our junk drawers and found a lot of my old stuff.
Lie on the floor
Reach to the sky
Pray to heaven
To let you fly
Watch my back
Heal my pain
Trying to live
While staying sane
Stopping the morning
Endure the hurt
Hold on to your chest
Fell the heart burn
Flip the pages
Learn your new things
Hopscotch on words
Let your mind breath
Come to a block
Break right through
Because you don’t have
Anything better to do
Do you worry often? I know that I have had my fair share of worry in the past. My imagination would go into a frenzy and I would become afraid of things I had conjured up in my head. I thought I had been controlling it better recently, but during my vacation earlier in August I realized that I still had aways to go. I stayed in the woods of Nagano with family, and this was the first year bears had come so close to the area. I would go to bed thinking of bears coming into the cabin, and me waking up with a bear in my face. It was not as fun because my irrational fears took over me the rest of the trip.
While I am not good at handling that kind of worry, I discovered today that I am fairly calm when it comes to non-life-threating situations.
Yesterday, I stayed in Nara with my piano teacher during Tsukimi, which is the time when the moon is fullest and brightest. I had a great time, and woke up in the morning fresh. It had been a while since I had stayed in my pajamas until one o’clock in the afternoon. I was not at my house, so unfortunately all of my electronics were on their last leg of battery time. I did not mind because I would be going back home in the afternoon to clean and my third-world problems would be solved.
After lunch, my teacher dropped me off at the station and I went happily on my way to buy a ticket. It was only few steps before I reached the ticket machine that I remembered that the day before I wiped my entire wallet clean. I was 20 yen short of buying the cheapest ticket to get on the train and had nothing left except a few useless pennies from Indonesia. It was the first time I did not have enough money to enter the station.
I told my self that I should be worried. Did I feel worried? No, not really. Despite my lack of concern, I was too embarrassed to ask a Japanese person for some spare change. The idea of it made me feel strange. Luckily, just as I was thinking about my options, a foreign couple walked up from behind me. Right then and there I asked them if I could borrow some coins. They were very kind and said that I didn’t need to reimburse them.
I bought my ticket, I got on the train. Bada Bing Bada Boom. Just one problem- I forgot I had bought the cheapest ticket. My original idea was to call my sister after I had gotten off of the station and beckon her to come to my rescue, but my phone was out of battery. Here I was, waiting for the train, and again thinking of my options.
Suddenly from behind me, I hear a Japanese voice asking me in English, “Where are you from?” Though the conversation started in English, we gradually switched to Japanese. Turned out, he was in the group with the same people who had helped me ten minutes earlier. I asked him if I could borrow his phone and I was able to call my sister. We were talking until I got off, and thanked him one last time.
Though this was not the most spectacular occurrence from this week, it was a simple experience that reminded me that it is not necessary to freak out about minuscule problems.
Worrying is just for the bears.
I finally was able to upload another photo to my project Cakes in Random Places. My lovely friend Stephen let me use his film camera. The cake was small but deadly! I had a fun time eating it in the park with them after the photo shoot.
Originally posted on Cakes in Random Places:
A good friend of mine let me use his film camera while he visited my sister and me earlier this summer.
I had never used one before and I realized how much practice it takes. When I take photos, they are usually done with a digital camera; snapping photos one after the other became so easy that I was not careful when I shot with film.
A the things that I would change in this photo are many, but the idea of it being raw and being unchangeable appeals to me. I did not plan for it to look so far away, and the chocolate cake with blueberry cream is hardly visible (though delicious).
The stars were not completely aligned for this shoot, but I cannot pass up sharing this one. I had too much fun with my lovely friends that day.
Above photo: Credits to SB
Are you quiet? Is life hard for you?
Lend me your mouth and my ear is yours.
Is it difficult to speak? You built brick walls high.
You feel caged by a world of pressure and expectation.
I will hand you my embrace and my arms will tear them down.
Do you take those things seriously? Do you not understand the world?
There is one word that keeps the goodness of our shallow world above water.
Can you guess what it is? Raise your hand to your beating drum and you will feel it.