I almost died this morning. I might be exaggerating when I say that because you can not predict freak accidents, but it could have very well happened.
I woke up early- tired yet pumped, and decided to chop down the forrest that had grown in my backyard while I was away on vacation. For a good portion of the morning, I had managed to get a lot done with my hand-held grass cutter. I was pleased that I had been able to finish the front of the house and beamed at the job I had done, when I noticed I had missed a spot. My mind decided that my body still had a bit of juice left and went back to chopping.
Now, what you have to know is that the front of the house and the back are on different slopes with stairs connecting the two sections. Tired, hungry, and clumsy being not the best of combos, I fell off of those steps with the knife in my hand and nearly landed on top of it- sharp end up. It happened so fast and I had no time to think.
Words cannot express how grateful I was as I emerged from the bushes to discover that I had but a few scrapes. I shivered the rest of the morning when I started thinking about the multiple ways it could have gone down. I did not like where my mind wandered, but I decided that it will defiantly be helpful for future reference.
As I write this I hear an ambulance in the background, and I thank GOD that it was not me in there this morning. I am so fortunate that I have a chance everyday to explore and to live.
Ending on a more realistic note: I swear that I will be more careful when I am holding sharp objects.
I am coming back to my writing as if I am coming out of a hazy dream. I can say the same for all my yesterdays, but more so for the past two weeks because they were out of the ordinary of my so-called everyday life. I was not working and was on vacation.
It is not a bad thing to let yourself decide to take a break, but when you discover yourself being tired from even the vacation, it is a dreary thing for your body and soul. While beautiful things happened and many laughs were shared on various occasions, I feel a great need in myself to travel and leave behind a life that I have seem to have outgrown. I do not mean that when it relates to people, for all those that I know never stop challenging me in positive ways. I, however, seemed to have stopped challenging myself.
I constantly make promises in what may seem to be honorable endeavors, but instead of falling though, I fall down and always take five steps backwards when not even two were taken.
Coming back home from Tokyo and Nagano, I had spent a total of twenty hours of train travel alone. Along with those twenty hours came with a lot of contemplating. I do not know if the intense thinking will manifest itself and provoke a positive change in my life, but I can only hope that it will.
I can only hope.
「I love to feed people.」
This is what my good friend said to me at the picnic. Her whole ora is so beckoning and it is easy to become friends with her. She gives without hesitation and among her other amazing qualities, I think that is what draws people to her.
Eating with people and sharing food is considered a very intimate and personal thing. When I meet people like her, I am reminded that the food I put into my mouth is not only from my own efforts but from the kindnesses of others. I find it funny that just one simple sentence can spring trains of thought.
If anyone needs a sandwich, I’ll be at my house! Stop by anytime.
Yesterday we were supposed to reach our destination. My sisters and I got on the 5 AM train to make it to Nagano in the afternoon. Every year we take the same route. My sisters and I are usually exhausted from the 8 hour trip by the time we get there, but we get there. Unfortunately, this time we had a stroke of bad luck and found out we would cross paths with the Number 11 Typhoon.
We left early in the morning, and there was no wind or rain. I figured we could race the storm and it would be smooth sailing until we got to Nagano. However, because of the strong wind (I am guessing), a tree fell into the middle of the tracks en route. Sitting there, we found ourselves stuck on the train for two hours and then waited at the station for 3 and a half hours. Our journey was half way completed but taking twice as long. I always enjoy thinking that there are reasons why there are setbacks because it keeps my impatient side at bay.
We were very lucky despite the inconveniences. On the platform that we were waiting on were also a lovely couple from Holland on the same course as us. They were extremely patient and waited there for about 5 hours, sadly to no avail. The train wasn’t coming. We enjoyed talking to them until we decided that we should just back track a bit and see if our friend in the area could put us up for the night. It was a long day, and most of it was spent with my brain on screensaver mode.
Did I learn something from all of this? Was I even supposed to? Who knows, but maybe when I watch my life at the big movie theater in the sky, I will see how everything connected together.
There will be hurdles that we need to jump over and there is something to be said for remaining patient during the times the obstacles test your limits. I guess that is what I learned on this trip. I learned that I need to be patient.
We are still on our way, and though it gave me a bit of perspective, I hope that this time there won’t be any more trees blocking our way.
Do you ever feel like these steps? Every time I pass this in my neighborhood I am reminded that I need to direct my efforts in the right way and work smart. You can build stairs in all the spots you want, but if you don’t have a goal or a place you want to go, you won’t get anywhere. You will just get tired from going up and down aimlessly.
In our area, we all talk about the person down the street.
In our area, we buy sweet potatoes from the same vegetable market every Thursday.
In our area, we stand and chat outside of our houses for hours about the weather.
In our area, we all wave at taxis because we don’t know the bus drivers.
On the way home from swimming at a lake, a tired girl had an Itouch rant:
I told my sister on our way home yesterday that I was feeling like I was void of emotion. At my core, I have always been more of a listener and not a talker. With guesswork, I can bet my two cents that the homeschooling background and the fact that we were born and raised in Japan made me more sensitive yet indifferent to issues that required serious thought.
I feel extremely blessed to have been brought up in the way that I was, but at the at the same time, something is off. Something is missing. I don’t know if it is just some pathetic plea for attention, but I am hoping that the void can be filled somehow.
I brushed off negative emotions because I thought they made me weak. It is difficult to listen to myself and easy to dismiss pessimistic feelings. There are times when I force myself to be happy because I believed that that is what would make me feel accepted. My default is happy, but there are times when I do want to be alone.
Amongst all of the mixed feelings, there is a lot of gratefulness. I am grateful for friends I can be genuine with. I am grateful for hobbies that I feel like I don’t have to stress out doing. I grateful that I have God always watching over me even though I have been neglecting Him so much. I am grateful for the happiness I get just before I take a bite out of something delicious.
It is late, so that is probably why my emotions are on a high now, but it is organic and I am glad for that.
At the end of a blogpost, I usually wrap it up with a simple conclusion and we are all on our way; in real life, there is never a conclusion. We want things packaged up all nice and presented to us in a way that is easy to understand. But it is the question marks in life that are interesting. It is the unanswered questions make us want to shake that box.