The Sakura season in Kansai, Japan is slowly coming to an end. The petals drop to the ground and all the tourists (a LOT of tourists) and locals await another year to sit under the trees and celebrate the coming of spring. Although the weather has been quite cold, it’s a great feeling to finally think that the winter and all of the crazy ups and downs in the temperature could finally be over.
I have two new jobs, making three in total. I would like to blame that for my absence on this site, but it is only partially true. More than being tired, it is my attitude of “I can’t be bothered” when it comes to writing a new post. Procrastination is not one of my greatest traits, but I don’t hate that part of myself. I try to not be upset these days because otherwise I will only be fighting an endless battle that ends in frustration. A friend of mine told me that I must try to embrace it and accept who I am rather than forcefully try to make changes. Slowly with that awareness, those traits can leave like a dream.
In the meantime, I’m currently enjoying sitting down in my favorite organic cafe’, listening to something that is a mix of Japanese jazz-rap-fusion and find my mind traveling to different places.
So basically my first night at the YMCA was not great. My head was full and played past events over and over. It’s okay though. I’m sure tonight will be better. Little by little my shell is cracking and I am starting to want to not leave Singapore. I feel like it would be such a blast to go around and travel more. Through meeting all of these people in these short past two weeks, I feel like I have a whole lot to take back with me to Japan. A lot of stories. Thats what it’s all about through right? I hope that I can continue to learn to think in many other ways. I can take the insomnia as all my thoughts processing- shaving away the negative thoughts and emotions until you are left with nothing but a delightful memory to look back on. Your thought life makes you or breaks you. Think right.
I drew this picture and wrote this post (不眠) because I was not able to sleep while I was in Singapore. I had done something very immature and stupid and I could not get it out of my head all night. It left me with an interesting sketch, but I would like to try very hard from now on to not let history repeat itself.
I loved science. I wanted to go into a field I loved, but gave it up and decided to make the more conservative choice tp work in an office every day for the next 30 years. As I doze off, I dream of a time when becoming a scientist was a reality for me. It all seems like pieces of a film reel, showing me a past life of mine- one that I can not go back to . I simply obey the orders of each person around me while ignoring a cry deep within my soul. A cry thats screaming and gasping for air. The side of me that I buried myself.
I am coming back to my writing as if I am coming out of a hazy dream. I can say the same for all my yesterdays, but more so for the past two weeks because they were out of the ordinary of my so-called everyday life. I was not working and was on vacation.
It is not a bad thing to let yourself decide to take a break, but when you discover yourself being tired from even the vacation, it is a dreary thing for your body and soul. While beautiful things happened and many laughs were shared on various occasions, I feel a great need in myself to travel and leave behind a life that I have seem to have outgrown. I do not mean that when it relates to people, for all those that I know never stop challenging me in positive ways. I, however, seemed to have stopped challenging myself.
I constantly make promises in what may seem to be honorable endeavors, but instead of falling though, I fall down and always take five steps backwards when not even two were taken.
Coming back home from Tokyo and Nagano, I had spent a total of twenty hours of train travel alone. Along with those twenty hours came with a lot of contemplating. I do not know if the intense thinking will manifest itself and provoke a positive change in my life, but I can only hope that it will.
I can only hope.
I strolled on home after work today with my mind swimming with thoughts. I missed my fast train home, and I thought about how others would react to this. Some would be annoyed, and some would mutter a curse word beneath their breath. I find myself not to be like this though. Especially since I have taken up the habit of having a book in my bag at all times. I catch stray thoughts as I wait. What is the point of complaining? The world won’t stop spinning for whiney humans either way.
I keep realizing over and over how many things I want to express and how many dreams I would love to uncover for myself. My problem is though that I don’t think about how I will make my dreams come true; rather, I passively spend my time thinking about other places I could be and other things I could do. Something has to change and I had to find something to nudge me along to make that change.
I find that writing has the magical power to do that. Not only writing in my blog, but writing four pages of journal a day I found to be quite therapeutic as well. You can see the course of your life before your eyes– your thoughts in the morning and in the evening. After time passes, just like a dream journal I imagine, you will soon find patterns in your thoughts and it will be up to you to change them. The interesting part is, you don’t rely on an outside source for this as much as you rely on yourself . You write to learn what you already know.
By the way, would anyone want a free postcard from Japan?