What do I really want?

edit1I saw a T-Shirt online this morning saying: I don’t know what I want, but I want it so bad.

Many do not know ourselves well enough to know. With busy schedules and chores weighing us down everyday, it is hard to spend some thinking time asking the big questions to help ourselves figure it out.

One year ago as I was walking down the hill on the way to work, I confronted myself for the first time with the question, What is it that I really want? Do I want fame? Do I want to be a singer? Do I want a boyfriend? 

I tried to be as honest with myself as possible, and when I came down to it, I realized that what I had truly wanted in that moment was for my sister to become successful.

A few days passed by and I forgot about the secret wish that I had made that morning and to both of our surprises, she got an email from the head design coordinator from the band Mr.Children(one of the most famous groups in Japan) asking for her to design the CD cover for their next single. We were jumping around with excitement. What an incredible chance!

It was only later in the evening that I had remembered I had wished for my sister’s success later in the week. Was it just a coincidence? It could have been, but perhaps because I put in enough brain effort to figure out what I really wanted, the universe was willing to grant it to me.

Asking myself, What do I want? became a habit. No other wishes have come true yet, but there is no harm in discovering more about yourself through the question.

What do I want? Do I want fame? Do I want to travel all around the world? Do I want to write a novel? I asked myself again this morning. Do I want to go to university? Do I want a new laptop? Do I want to become a millionaire? Nope. There is only one thing I want now: to not have made any mistakes on the bills from my busy day at the restaurant yesterday evening. 

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That one fire burning

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Images pass by your eyes

It all seems like a dream

Fleeting hopes ad wishes

Till you fall asleep

Searching for meaning

And the gleaming light of day

With that one fire burning

To make all the fear go away

I see the ray of hope

That is peeking from your eyes

The one who doesn’t front

Who won’t believe the lies

The relationships you hold

Must be held and kept

Save the love and live

Please learn not to fret.

My first and last limerick

DSCF1176My first and last limerick from 2010. I am looking through my old poetry and I smile as I recollect the feelings I had while writing them. What amazes me is that my mindset is still the same. I am still very much the same timid girl today as I was then. I still deal with doubt and feelings of uncertainty.

This was one of the few poems that had a positive feel to it. I enjoyed re-discovering it and hope you will enjoy reading it.

My First Limerick

There once was a girl who thought

A pretty face she surely was not

Always envied the faces around

Then looked in the mirror and found

She always had the beauty she sought

I always make promises

I am coming back to my writing as if I am coming out of a hazy dream. I can say the same for all my yesterdays, but more so for the past two weeks because they were out of the ordinary of my so-called everyday life. I was not working and was on vacation.

It is not a bad thing to let yourself decide to take a break, but when you discover yourself being tired from even the vacation, it is a dreary thing for your body and soul. While beautiful things happened and many laughs were shared on various occasions, I feel a great need in myself to travel and leave behind a life that I have seem to have outgrown. I do not mean that when it relates to people, for all those that I know never stop challenging me in positive ways. I, however, seemed to have stopped challenging myself.

I constantly make promises in what may seem to be honorable endeavors, but instead of falling though, I fall down and always take five steps backwards when not even two were taken.

Coming back home from Tokyo and Nagano, I had spent a total of twenty hours of train travel alone. Along with those twenty hours came with a lot of contemplating. I do not know if the intense thinking will manifest itself and provoke a positive change in my life, but I can only hope that it will.

I can only hope.

Don’t spend time beating on a wall.

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Do not spend time beating on a wall hoping to transform it into a door.

This was on a bag that a woman was holding on the way home from work today. With all of the funny Japanese t-shirts and merchandise, this one made sense. There were many times in my life where I would try to change things that couldn’t possibly change. The fact that change was not possible made me more frustrated and that shallow whisper of, “Maybe… Just maybe”, haunted my mind. You can’t change a person, you can only hope for yourself to change. It doesn’t matter what happens around us, but if your mind is sober and you do what you can in your limited time, beautiful things can happen. It’s nice to know that it’s not our past mistakes that our holding us back, but our current mindset.

I am so grateful for second chances- and that second chance is called now. 

Eat your peas

I love receiving packages in the mail. It’s like a Christmas present, but expected.

I got a brand new book, hot off the writing press titled, “The Paris Letters”. I just started reading it and I love how relatable she is to a good majority of the current working world. She presents her story beautifully. It is as if she sits you down for a cup if coffee and is telling it to you then and there. Knowing what she went through and her past, I feel happy for her and it gives me hope that my own life could someday change.

Don’t get me wrong- I don’t lead the worst life and I feel bad about complaining because I am not starving in some third-world country. The same feeling goes along for when your mother tells you to finish all of your peas because people are starving in Africa. The point however is that each of us have a common point. Each one of us target our efforts towards one thing – the hope of a better life.

There is nothing wrong in wishing for a richer situation. There is nothing wrong to want more happiness. And I find nothing wrong with not eating the peas if you want to save your palate for something more enjoyable. Learning how to share your plate with as many as you can is essential for having that better life.