What do I really want?

edit1I saw a T-Shirt online this morning saying: I don’t know what I want, but I want it so bad.

Many do not know ourselves well enough to know. With busy schedules and chores weighing us down everyday, it is hard to spend some thinking time asking the big questions to help ourselves figure it out.

One year ago as I was walking down the hill on the way to work, I confronted myself for the first time with the question, What is it that I really want? Do I want fame? Do I want to be a singer? Do I want a boyfriend? 

I tried to be as honest with myself as possible, and when I came down to it, I realized that what I had truly wanted in that moment was for my sister to become successful.

A few days passed by and I forgot about the secret wish that I had made that morning and to both of our surprises, she got an email from the head design coordinator from the band Mr.Children(one of the most famous groups in Japan) asking for her to design the CD cover for their next single. We were jumping around with excitement. What an incredible chance!

It was only later in the evening that I had remembered I had wished for my sister’s success later in the week. Was it just a coincidence? It could have been, but perhaps because I put in enough brain effort to figure out what I really wanted, the universe was willing to grant it to me.

Asking myself, What do I want? became a habit. No other wishes have come true yet, but there is no harm in discovering more about yourself through the question.

What do I want? Do I want fame? Do I want to travel all around the world? Do I want to write a novel? I asked myself again this morning. Do I want to go to university? Do I want a new laptop? Do I want to become a millionaire? Nope. There is only one thing I want now: to not have made any mistakes on the bills from my busy day at the restaurant yesterday evening. 

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Youth be free, Not Fake

 

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Japanese T-Shirts and other products are infamous here for not making a whole lot of sense. What most people likely do is put whatever they want to say in Google Translate and think that’s good enough. Many things get lost in translation and you can end up with many raised eyebrows and cocked heads. I keep my eye out for ones that actually mean something. One of the recent ones that I’ve found is on this bag. Most of the students have no clue what they are wearing, and after I explained this one to the owner, he nodded in agreement.

It summed up what I had been thinking about that exact day. I had been talking with my sister and we discussed the usual worries and slightly irrational fears that comes with being young. The running theme throughout the talk was, “What should I doooooooooooo“?

We are caged in the idea that we have to know what we want to do. We have to have a plan. We have to have the right balance all the time. While I was traveling, however, the spontaneous moments were the times that changed my course for the better and great things happened when I least expected it. It is the social pressure around us that is pushing us to take the more conservative step instead of the leap of faith.

Mistakes go hand-in-hand when you are following your gut so you have to give yourself a little legroom when you make the not-so-right choices. There is no shame in admitting when you are wrong. We love to (and in a way, trained to) show the staged part of ourselves. We love the attention and the likes on our profile pictures, but perhaps the freedom comes when you embrace both the cringe-worthy and positive sides because that’s what makes us human. That’s what makes each of us beautiful and 100+ Facebook like-worthy in our own way.

Childlike enough to fix everything

The position of the artist is humble. That is what we must be because we are only a channel for the creative energy. We influence others and we spread the growth.

If anyone were to ask me, I would call myself an artist. Though my art is not necessarily jaw-dropping amazing, beauty and many different forms of art constantly invade my life. I also hope that my art makes people happy. I enjoy it well enough, but art is not  only for my benefit. But it is difficult to put that into practice and take your pride off of the table.

Tonight at a local-ish cafe’, I told a story for a monthly event called The Flame. The name of the event was a twist on the story telling cafe’ in New York called The Moth. Before the performance I was nervous. After the performance I, oddly enough, was even more nervous. What is that lovely middle part where you are in a floating-like limbo called?

When I was telling the story, I focused on what was in front of me. None of my problems existed. I was totally focused on the now. I want to feel like that at all times. All we have is the present, the current, the now.

Children tend to have a better grasp on this. If you would think about it, babies only focus on the thing in front of them. They do not think about what is in the next room. Toddlers and kids are able to expand that vision to the world around them and are busy figuring out their environment. Now, we as adults are able to extend that vision a little bit further. We can see the future, we can see the past, and we see all of the things that we would want our lives to be. The process seems to go in steps. Are all these steps good? Is coming to the last stage an advantage if you know how to balance it? I find that focusing on the things I should have said and the mistakes is pointless. I wish I was childlike enough to fix everything.